Divorce. Is it necessary? How do I know when it's right? What are some of effects?

 "Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

In the assignments for this week, on the module, my teacher wrote, "blended families have challenges on several fronts: they resulted from a 'failure' in an earlier marriage, there are almost always continued ties of some sort, and there are few useful models of how a blended family ought to be constructed." 

In the past few weeks we went over a few more very important topics. We talked about parenting, divorce, and will discuss aging parents. 

The history of divorce tells us that, legally, it was a harder process to get a divorce in the early 1900s than it is today. After the legal process was made easier, the divorces increased dramatically as divorce became an easier option."This legal transformation was only one of the more visible signs of the divorce revolution then sweeping the United States: From 1960 to 1980, the divorce rate more than doubled — from 9.2 divorces per 1,000 married women to 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women. This meant that while less than 20% of couples who married in 1950 ended up divorced, about 50% of couples who married in 1970 did. And approximately half of the children born to married parents in the 1970s saw their parents part, compared to only about 11% of those born in the 1950s."(Wilcox, 2009)

There are many hardships related to divorce. A big one is the division between parents and their children. The children are often shared between the mother and father and spend their weeks switching between houses. The kids have to learn to adapt and often switch schools and friend groups often. I have often heard many talk highly of the example that their good single mother is to them as she gave her all to try to work and help her kids. 

Dr. Michelle Weiner-Davis wrote a book titled "Divorce Busting." A slide in class mentioned

her name and stated statistics say that say that "70% of couples who said their marriage was '

very unsatistisfactory" later called their marriages 'satisfactory' or '

very satisfactory' simply by holding on for five year... In one study

70% of Americans polled two years after the divorce stated that they could have saved the marriage

and should have saved the marriage... It may not be coincidental but 70% of divorced men are

remarried by the end of that second year" and as a substatement it said "in my own professional

experience several of these men regretted ending that marriage even though he had already remarried. Eeek!"

Is this saying that no one should get a divorce? Certainly not. These are personal decisions to be made between them, their spouse, and God. Some amazing relationships can become toxic and unhealthy and the right thing to do is leave. God loves each of us and He has a plan. Trust in His plan and He will direct you. 

This is my last assigned blog post for this class. But I will continue to blog as I continue to learn. For one of our last assignments we had to create a top 10 list of things we've learned in class. For me, one point that stood out to me was when we discussed children and their needs. There are different approaches parents can take to fill a child's need. Wether in a blended family or a nuclear family, these same needs seem to apply. Their needs include contact belonging, power (need for), protection, withdrawal, and challenge. Children’s mistaken approaches (typed in order) to get these needs filled include undue attention seeking, controlling others, rebellion, revenge, undue avoidance, and undue risk taking. Parents' responses should be to offer contact freely, learn to contribute, give choices and consequences, teach assertiveness and forgiveness, teach kids how to take breaks, and encourage skill building. These are the ways parents can meet those needs of their children. Each need is met by each response in the order it was written. When learning about this, we also discussed the fact that you can’t get enough negative attention to fill your soul. Children who aren't having their needs filled may seek attention in this wrong way. We also want to always allow kids to learn from the natural consequences of life (Except in three circumstances: the consequences are too dangerous, too far in the future, or will harm someone).

I recognize in this blog that we only scratched the surface of a complex topic that may look different for each person. I hardly feel qualified to write about this. To dive deeper, consider getting the book "Divorce Busting" that is linked below. You can also listen to the podcast listed above. Listen and read with a critical eye to pull out the things that may work or may not be necessary for you.

What are your thoughts about divorce? What needs have you seen in your children? How do you help fill your children's needs? What system has worked for you? 

Many reading this may have personal experiences that go along with these topics. Feel free to share below so that we can refine and continue our learning in this area. Thank you. 

Hannah Whiting (4/2/22)

As the last blog for this class, it won't be my last blog. In fact, I want to continue to blog and learn and grow. 

References: 

Wilcox, B., (2009). The Evolution of Divorce. National Affairs. Retrieved from, https://nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce

Weiner-Davis, M., (1993). Divorce busting: A step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again.