Family Crucibles: Trials are inevitable, misery is optional.

Family Crucibles 

Elder Christofferson states that trials are inevitable (2022). The heartache and pain of the loss of a baby, a divorce, and maybe the loss of a friend can bring great tears and pain. Doctor Jeffrey Hill writes of more possible family hardships, "extreme marital conflict (shouting, throwing things), marital abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), depression (one or both spouses)... serious problems with inlaws... children who never marry... natural disaster..." (Hill, 2004) and the list goes on. 

My dad taught me since I was a little girl that "trials can either make you bitter or better." That phrase used to irritate me because I heard it often. As I've grown older, I've understood the reality of that phrase. When a trial occurs or a family crucible happens, we have the choice to either grow closer to each other and God or to drift further apart. You may be thinking "easy for you to say! This trial is more than I can bare and you don't understand." I agree; I most likely don't understand and hardly feel qualified to be writing on this topic. But I intend to share my thoughts and the thoughts from others on how they have found hope during their time of trial. 

What is a crucible? "a ceramic or metal container in which metals or other substances may be melted or subjected to very high temperatures." (Dictionary) 

What is a family crucible? "Think of a family crucible as the process by which trials, afflictions, hardships, challenges, problems, sorrow, grief, and other adversity all can facilitate positive family growth." (Hill, 2004)

Just as the hot flames for the crucible make for beautiful pots and objects, could our figurative flames lead to something beautiful?

I begin with the story of Joseph in Egypt who was sold by his brothers as a slave. He had great adversity and had to resist temptation, yet he rose above adversity to become a leader and eventually save his family (and ultimately the 12 tribes of Israel). Abraham was commanded by God to sacrifice his only son he had waited so long to obtain, yet He followed and was blessed. 

Lehi and Sariah suffered a family crucible as they followed the direction from God to leave their riches and the comfort of their home to travel to a new land. It certainly was not easy on their family and they had great struggles. We see this in the humility of the father who dwelt in a tent (certainly not what he was used to). Sariah cried to her husband and shared her worries after her sons had to leave to get the plates. There were quarreling and fighting among siblings and two sons disagreeing and leaving the gospel of Jesus Christ. These sons sought to kill the other son and this ended in a family devision for multiple generations. 

Is something good supposed to come out of this family crucible for Lehi's family? Did any of these hardships turn out for their good? We can see results of each sibling's decision to let the trial make them bitter or better. They went out to find food for the family and Nephi broke his bow. There were women and children who were hungry. Laman and Lemuel complained and were angry with Nephi. Nephi didn't let this hardship get him down. He had faith and decided to use creativity to make another bow. Miraculously God blessed him and their family to have food that night. Also, without Lehi's guidance and Nephi's obedience, we would not have the plates and the word of God. Go answer this question and see for yourself by reading the few chapters in the Book of Mormon. You may see the pattern of turning to God. You may see that if we turn to God during our family crucibles, even when we may not know why we have to suffer through what we do, He will direct and help us as He did when leading Lehi and Sariah's family to the new land. 

So what family crucibles have you had to go through? (Or maybe, what are you currently going through?)

This week in class we are to write about parenting. I am inspired by the parents that I've seen lead their families through these tough crucibles using it as an opportunity to grow closer together and be stronger. I'm inspired by how they taught their children. 

I'm inspired by my aunts example who had a son with Leukemia. This took a huge toll on their family as the son had to be in the hospital often. I remember as a young girl going to the hospital with my dad to babysit while they had to drive their other kids places. There were many hardships and tears, yet many tender mercies and miracles. They often felt angels there. They had friends and neighbors reach out and give notes of love and support. 

I watched my other aunt and uncle teach their family about prayer. I was inspired by the softened heart and prayers of my little cousin when her sister unexpectedly got diagnosed with paralysis on one side of her body. This cousin was young but said that if she could have one wish she would wish that her sister would get better. Her sister is still undergoing surgeries and their family is dealing with the hardships of that. I've seen many tears. My aunt is a great example of trusting God and persevering with strength and hope. With a big surgery coming up for this child, my grandma has been there to help organize a schedule of meals where we can all help out to support their family. They have blessed the lives of many around them through their example.

My dad is a real estate broker and my parents struggled with a financial decision when they were first starting out. My parents had a property they bought that they tried to sell for years, but it would not sell. They began to regret their decision. In every single family prayer we would pray for it to sell. I learned from a young age the power of family prayer and unity. It surely wasn't always a happy time. My parents may have got in disagreements about things and us siblings would fight. But it was through harder times and sacrifice we continued to grow closer together, (not to mention the other things my family was juggling at that time with my mom pregnant, my sister having a tumor, and my dad heavily involved in a church calling). My mom said this experience taught them not to ever judge someone's financial situations, we never know what they are going through or what circumstances brought them there. My dad looks back on that time as a time of growth. He says that it's not something he would ever want to go back to, but he is better because of it. 

My 4th great grandmother, Hannah Haines Brown, at a young age was married off to a man she didn't want to marry. She ended up leaving him to join the Saints as a pioneer moving West. She cared for children and married a new man. In those days that was a very courageous choice of her to make. On Family Search it says that her early pioneer struggles and hardships gave her a lovely disposition.

My other ancestor joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to cross the plains and come to Utah. She was only 16 when her dad died and her mother was sick in the cart. Pushing the cart and taking care of all the little siblings, she had to act as the mom pushing through the hardships to come to Utah. These hardships strengthened her testimony and she truly said that it was worth it to come to Zion, marry in the temple, and have the blessings she received. 

Consider your own family hardships. What outcome will we strive for? "Family research shows that family crises tend to bring out the best and the worst in families. They can rip families apart or cause families to reorganize themselves in more positive ways." (Hill, 2004)  

Maybe you're in a family crucible right now. Maybe you feel ready to give up. Maybe the trial seems too hard to bear. How did the Savior suffer and bare the hardest of trials and hardships as He was in the garden of Gethsemane? It doesn't say that He absolutely loved suffering. In pain He actually called to His dad, "Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; ^atake away this ^bcup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt." (Mark 14:36) And we know what happens next. He suffered the pains and afflictions of every kind. But what did the Savior's suffering enable Him to do? Elder Christofferson said, "through pains, afflictions, and temptations, the Savior came to know 'how to succor his people according to their infirmities.'" (2022) 

"Through pains, afflictions, and temptations, the Savior came to know 'how to succor his people according to their infirmities.'"

This leads me to ask, what has my suffering and trials enabled me to do? 

Truly it is in the suffering that we are sanctified. As the metal and heat make that crucible beautiful, our hardships can make our broken lives beautiful. Of hardships, Elder Maxwell said, "rather than simply passing through these things, they must pass through us and do so in ways which sanctify these experiences for our good (see D&C 122:7). Thereby, our empathy, too, is enriched and everlasting." (1997.) 

Victor Frankl, a man who suffered through concentration camps, stated, "In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning" (1984.) 

May we have the strength to choose hope when the hardest of trials arise. We can't know and prepare for every specific trial. But we can begin preparing now by looking to the Savior and building our foundation on Jesus Christ so that "...when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty ^cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo," And how is this possible? "...because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." (Helaman 5:12) And we learn in the beginning of that verse that Jesus Christ is the rock. I truly believe this is possible. That does not mean it will be easy. But as we turn to the Lord in faith, we can stand strong. 

Hannah Whiting (3/25/22)

References: 

Christoferson, T. D. (March, 2022). The refining fire of affliction. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2022/03/05_the-refining-fire-of-affliction?lang=eng. 

Frankl, V. E. (2021). Man's search for meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust. Rider.

Hill, E. Jeffrey (2004) "Family Crucibles: Finding Peace in Trying Times," Marriage and Families: Vol. 13 , Article 3. Available at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/marriageandfamilies/vol13/iss1/3

Other Resources and quotes: 

"Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional." - Barbara Johnson

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Blessings song - by Laura Story - https://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ

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🏀 Basketball analogy- The harder you push a resilient person down, the stronger they are going to bounce back up. 

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In Dr. E. Jeffrey Hill's classroom, he makes them memorize 3 things regarding hardships:

1. Life is hard, but you can do hard things

2. Make the best of it

3. T.T.T. = Things Take Time

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Doctrine and Covenants 122:7 "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (To read more: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/122?lang=eng&id=7#p7)