"I told you so!" "I thought you said you wanted to join." "Why are you giving me that face?" "Why are you being so difficult?" Everyday brings new challenges, yet new opportunities to communicate with one another. We have the chance to choose how we will respond and interact. Problems can occur when parents disagree or have troubles making big family decisions. Children are often striving to get their way. Little problems and miscommunications come up everyday. Yet opportunities of love and affection come up everyday. Words and intention can either destroy or build up. Through words we express our emotions and thoughts.
In 2019, an article was posted stating that "according to a recent study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), communication problems were the number one reason for divorce in the United States. The study stated that about 67.5 percent of all marriage failed because of a breakdown of communication. The reasons for a lack of communication include arguing, the inability to understand the other spouse, or total lack of communication." (Admin, 2019)
This is discouraging, but encouraging when we realize there are ways to prevent this! And not only prevent it, but use the same medium of communication to create even stronger relationships.
Wrong communication is natural. It is almost supernatural to have effective communication.
How often are we sharing messages that the other may take the wrong way? Do other's points not seem to get across to us? How can we better communicate? This comes down to coding and de-coding messages and the media through which we send or receive these.
Whether we know it or not, we communicate in many ways. We have words, tones, and nonverbal communication. If I were to say "I am super happy," but I am hunched over in the corner and have a solemn tone of voice, would you believe it? This analogy caused me to consider that it may be easier and more natural for someone to lie with words than with their nonverbal communication.
So how do we communicate what we are feeling effectively?
David Burns wrote a book titled "feeling good together." In this book he goes over "The 5 secrets to effective communication. What are these 5 steps in order? Read this photo below!
(click on the photo for a clearer view).
Is it that simple? Just follow this chart? Try it out for yourself. It seems easy, but it can be a remarkable challenge. Studies have also shown that the easier something becomes, the less effort we put into it. But does this mean it's impossible? no. It just means we have to be intentional. My teacher saw a man change his life within three weeks of practicing this well. If we work at it, this can become a habit. So how do we do it? Start now. Find a time when there was poor communication. Write it out according to each step on this list. Then, rewriting it again in a better form of communication. Don't just do this in your brain. Be intentional. Set aside 10 minutes everyday to do this. And then maybe you rewrite it again and again the next day. Grow into this habit of noticing effective communication by beginning with intentionally writing it out.
MAKING DECISIONS
Another important aspect of communication is decision making. How does your family make currently make decisions together?
Common models we may see in marriage today may consist of one person making the decision. My class discussed also a "junior-senior" companion type of situation. Some husbands and wives do really well when they agree with each other, but the moment they disagree they fight back or walk away.
In this example we will take a look at how the apostles and prophets council and make decisions together and consider patterning it after that.
The idea of a family council is not new. I like to say we had a big family council in Heaven before we came to earth. In 2016 Elder Ballard explained a few different types of family councils. He also described the blessings of having family councils. He said,"a family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world."
M. Russel Ballard also wrote a book titled "Counseling our Councils." This goes into the details of how the brethren (with all their different opinions and backgrounds) come together and unite on decisions for the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints.
So what is this method? What pattern do we see? And consider the why for each step. They are given an agenda for the meeting the night before. Before they start the meeting they begin by expressing appreciation and love for each other. After opening with a prayer, they start by sharing their opinions. They seek to answer and find what the Lord would have them do. They discuss all matters to a consensus. Someone bring up a recommendation. They are then again allowed to each share their thoughts, not bringing up something that's been shared before. Because the unity is found in honestly just seeking to know what God would have them do. They end each meeting with a prayer and refreshments (usually chocolate or pie). To hear the full experience from an apostles view, go to the last quote at the bottom of this blog. It is powerful.
What is the purpose for each of these steps? I have some thoughts. But I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences below. Why would they end with refreshments? I would see it as going back to the importance of expressing appreciation and love for each other.
How effective is this manner of communication. President Eyering spoke of his shock when he first entered the council expecting a Harvard-type experience with group decision-making. He pointed out that he was surprised by how they were just openly disagreeing in their meetings. He remarked that it was more open than anywhere he'd been. Suddenly, the discussions and opinions began to line up and he knew that that was the right way. They are all looking for truth and what Heavenly Father would have them do. This type of openness comes from them not thinking about their wants but about what would help the greater cause. To directly quote it him, he says "Here are the prophets of God and they are disagreeing in an openness I had never seen in business... But then after a while, the conversation cycled around and they began to agree... I thought, I’ve seen a miracle. I’ve seen unity come out of this wonderful open kind of exchange I had never seen.” All of these brilliant, bright-minded, opinionated men come together in unity.
If this topic is intriguing to you, I recommend watching this video and hearing President Eyering's voice speak and portray his passionate thoughts.
Unity in Counsels Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QeooJLWlkA
You may be asking "how does this apply to my family?"
This may look different for each family. Certainly my family's approach may look a little messier or goofier. Dad sometimes goofs of, siblings are excited to share about their day, and mom is trying to gather everyone. But this approach of discussion and discussing to a consensus (seeking the Lord's will) is powerful and effective. You will be able to adapt it based on your family's needs. Consider looking up M. Russel Ballard's talk on family councils. My professor took his own approach to this. He and his wife start discussing by sharing their opinions and preferences freely. After this, they schedule a meeting (usually on a Sunday afternoon) between the two of them to pray and ask what the Lord would have them do. Before this meeting, they exchange compliments or express love for each other. This unifies them and even if the decision is not completely aligned with what they originally wanted, they both agree and feel peace about it as they seek to know what the Lord would have them do. They kneel in prayer and discuss.
M. Russel Ballard concludes, "please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes."(2016)
Have you tried this method before? Would you like to? What has worked for you? Or do you have other thoughts about communication? Comment below.
Hannah Whiting (3/16/22)
🍦 Treat for the week!🍦
(You could start at minute 18)
(every week there is a new book, song, video, and podcast that goes along with each topic. Take time to learn and enjoy 😉 )
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Other quotes:
"Counsel with the Lord in all they doings, and He will direct thee for good." - Alma 37:37
"Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'." -President Ezra Taft Benson.
"Communication within the family is extremely important because it enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as love and admiration for one another. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that arise in all families." https://henrico.us/assets/2-Families-First-Communication-350-092.pdf "Seek first to understand than to be understood" - Sean Covey
"Let me share with you a typical experience in a meeting of the Quorum of the Twelve. They always work from an agenda. The agenda is given to them the night before the meeting so that they have an opportunity to read, ponder, and consider each item in preparation for the meeting. When they meet together they usually express love and concern for one another. After an opening pray, in which a request is made for the Spirit to be in the meeting, the President of the Twelve addresses each item on the agenda one by one. he may make some short preparatory comments that he feels necessary concerning the item, and then he presents the item or asks one of the Twelve to present the item for discussion.
The Brethren express their thoughts and feelings. They are men of strong character, men from different backgrounds---they are certainly not "yes" men. They speak as they are moved by the Spirit. They strive to feel the manifestations of the Spirit concerning the item being discussed, which may necessitate a change in their own feelings and thoughts in order to be in harmony with the entire council. When the President of the Twelve senses a unity taking place concerning the item on the agenda, he may ask for a recommendation, or one of the Twelve may present a recommendation to the Twelve. The recommendation remarkably summarizes the feelings of the total council. The President will then state, "We have before us a recommendation. Is there any further discussion?" Each member of the Twelve will have an opportunity again to express himself. They don't repeat what has already been said; rather, there is an unusual economy of expression in order to ascertain the total views of the Council. After all who have a desire to speak have done so, the recommendation may be modified. The recommendation is then presented in the form of a motion by a member of the Twelve, and is seconded by another. The President of the Twelve then asks for the vote of the Quorum; thus, the Twelve make decisions in harmony, unity, and faith, with the combined judgement of each member and in harmony with the spirit." Elder Rulon G. Craven (former member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy. This quote was extracted from the book written by M. Russel Ballard titled, "Counseling with our Councils: Learning to Minister Together in the Church and in the Family.")
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