Dating, marriage, and conversation skills! How can I get more dates? What is RAM? How do I incorporate faith-based dating?
Have you ever wondered why you aren't getting many dates? Has the meaning of a "date" changed in our society? How do I avoid getting into a bad relationship? How do I make my relationships more effective? How do I find a partner that would be successful in marriage? How do I find the partner that will bring me the MOST happiness? You read about and watch videos with couples divorcing! Maybe you've seen this in your life. Are you ready to commit? How do you know when?
Maybe you have these questions, or you know someone with these questions. If so, take a look at some thoughts below. These are based on resources from my "family relations" class at Brigham Young University Idaho.
In society nowadays we see lots of trends that are leading us away from commitment. We don't want to make a choice. We often choose the path of least effort. You see this on Snapchat and other media influences when a simple text with correct grammar can be seen as too "forward." You see this on TV shows that portray couples cohabiting and not officially getting married. Why could this be a problem? Is it a problem?
In the terms of this video, he asks our generation if we've seen people "sliding" instead of "deciding." (Stanley, 2015). He talks about cohabitation and how couples thought it'd be a good idea to live with each other first to decide if they wanted to get married. The problem, however, was that this often led to divorce and unsuccessful marriages. By not making a commitment upfront, they were sliding into the inevitable outcome of marriage. He stated studies that found successful marriages actually happened when couples didn't live together before marriage. Why is that? What is the take-away here? This fascinated me and got me to think about commitment. How important is commitment in a relationship? How would it affect someone going into a marriage relationship to fully commit versus decide as they go? What might be the benefits? Certainly there may be pros and cons to both. "He also said a profound thing that not making a choice is making a choice." Or something like that.
If commitment is so important, how do you correctly find the right person to commit to? I will propose two main ideas. But I would also love to hear your thoughts below. Let's follow the relationship attachment model and incorporate faith-based dating.
The first one is the RAM Theory. Have you not heard of the RAM Theory? RAM stands for the Relationship Attachment Model (see the photo attached). This is found in the book titled, "How to Not Marry a Jerk."(Epp, 2006.) This model tells us the proper and healthy way to enter a relationship. It gives us the picture of a board with sliders. These sliders are the order in which you can healthily enter and attach to a relationship. The five are (in order) to first know, then trust, then rely, next commit, and lastly touch. Successful relationships have been found as you follow those 5 sliders in the model. Greater clarity is found when you get to know someone well before you are physical with them. If you jump into physical too fast it can lead to greater heartbreaks. I am only briefly touching the surface of this model. But if you would desire to go deeper, go to the references and read the book! It will not be a waste. About this model, the author says, "The balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner... Never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous." (Epp, 2006.) And he reports studies and examples to back it up.
In 2005, elder Oaks gives a talk about dating versus hanging out. He spoke of God's plan of greatest happiness for His children and said, "whatever draws us away from commitments weakens our capacity to participate in the plan."
He talks about how dating in our society is changing. He encourages dating and not just hanging out. "The meaning and significance of a 'date' has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market." He said a date does not have to be extravagant. It can be simple, cheep, and should be more frequent. My professor showed evidence and emphasized the importance of assortive dating (getting to know lots of people) and not exclusive dating.
The next step is to incorporate, what I call, faith-based dating. Not just waiting for the opportunity to come around, but prayerfully making a plan and faithfully enacting that plan with joy (Including God in the process). That may sound silly, but it works! Oaks continued his talk saying:
"If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving. Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience, and planning. Don’t wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself. And trust in the Lord. Follow King Benjamin’s advice to call 'on the name of the Lord daily, and [stand] steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come' (Mosiah 4:11)." (Oaks, 2005)
Elder Oak's wife was one of great faith. She got married in her middle 50s. In his talk, he invited her to share her great thoughts. She shared her experiences and ended her thoughts uniquely pointing out that, "as a single, I had to go searching for service projects, and now I have one every night across the table. I’m so thankful for that... And most of all, I know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us, as He was my best friend when there was no one else to love me. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen." (Oaks, 2005.)
Chadwick (a professor of sociology) gave a speech at BYU about dating and marriage.
"exercise faith and to have courage in dating and marriage. It is scary to marry! It is scary to stay married during troubled times! It is scary to be responsible for children! Some people are afraid of marriage and parenthood. Perhaps their parents or close friends divorced and they fear the same happening to them.Have faith in God your Father and in His Son. They will guide and strengthen us because we are on Their errand of creating eternal families and raising children in righteousness. This message is simply stated in the words of President Ezra Taft Benson to young adults: 'Those fears must be replaced with faith'...It took faith and courage for those 12 men and the children of Israel who followed to step off the bank into the swirling waters of the spring runoff. As the water covered the soles of their feet, the miracle then happened, and the waters were stopped.
So it may be with you in your quest for an eternal partner or for an eternal relationship. We cannot sit in our apartments, we cannot spend long hours at work, we cannot endlessly play video games and wait for the Lord to bring a spouse to the altar for us. We cannot wait for the Lord to create a special love between our spouse and us. He does not magically cause the perfect family to appear when there has been little, if any, effort on our part. Waving at a group of girls or guys across the cultural hall, driving your spouse to the grocery store once a week, or just knowing the names of your children is not resting the soles of your feet in the waters of marriage and family life... My young friends, remember that marriage is essential to eternal life and that a good marriage and family life is crafted, not found" (2002)
So what things could we include in our plan for faith-based dating and proactivity? This is something I am still continuing to think about. I would love to hear your thoughts below. And in fact, you may find that writing down your plan may help it to more fully come into action. If you're already married, share your thoughts and what you've seen help you. When you're married, it's still important to date. Keep your relationship even while you have young kids.
In my considering I have thought of a few ideas. I could simply work on being friendlier by smiling at 5 new people today. Maybe I'll do one extra date a week. Prayerfully consider your plan and trust that God will help you. For me, I specifically want to work on conversation. I went on a run the other day and listened to "The Art of Conversation" podcast. I included clips of the it below. Feel free to read on to learn about conversation tips and how good conversation can be learned. Conversation is not just given at birth or when we learn a language.
If you're not interested, just scroll to the bottom and hit the comment button to start sharing your thoughts.
Judy speaks of conversation saying "It is certainly a game of two parts. It has two players." There may be awkward moments, but that's part of the game. If you mess up? Try better next time. And you will grow into the art of conversation. She mentions that lots of the tension comes from us focusing too inward and over focusing on our own words. To counteract this she suggests focusing on external things. This goes along with that theory that says "that you can use your five senses, externally and internally, but you can’t do both at the same time." She suggests, "if I’m talking to myself in my head, I’m not listening outside. So I’m not hearing anything that’s outside. If I’m seeing sort of pictures of disaster in my head of the last time I tried this and how awful it was, I’m not actually seeing what’s in front of me. And when I’m feeling in my tummy, all that horrible, uncomfortable feeling or feeling tense, again, I’m not in touch with the outside world. So the little exercise before you even start your conversation, is make sure that you’re looking out of your own eyes and seeing what’s around you. You can even say it to yourself. Okay, gray pavement, window, glass, so that you’re outside... And while you’re doing that, you’re not listening to the voice inside your head... Think about different parts your body so wriggle your toes in your shoes and feel yourself lovely and grounded on the pavement. So everything in you is externally focused. That’s a good start. Because it tends to stop that terrible inner talk for those few moments. And you only need a few moments to get yourself to do these things."
Next, she suggests going into a conversation imaging your favorite place where you feel peaceful and refreshed. "Just before I go out to town to perhaps have this little conversation with somebody, I remember that lovely breath I took on the beach and I filled my chest, and so I get a bit of that good feeling. So I take those two things out with me."
In these settings, you are focused outside yourself. This is important. (Looking outward! Like the Savior did.)
Conversation is more about listening. Some people, when they get nervous they tense their shoulders and sometimes keep talking even more to cover up the awkward feeling.
Also, some people think that they must agree with others to keep good friendships. They tense up when they disagree. But disagreement can actually be great and even fun! How can you disagree and still have a good conversation ending in good feelings? It's all about connection. People often remember how you've made them feel rather than what you've exactly said.
"when you actually connect really well with somebody, it doesn’t matter if you ask the wrong question, because they more or less tell you it’s the wrong question, or they answer the question they would like you to have asked. In other words, it doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t matter. Those stumbles don’t matter at all because you’ve got a connection going. And it’s the same with… Well, it’s the same with disagreement, people are often terrified of disagreement, but actually if you’re connected, disagreement can be even fun, it can be quite nice to have a robust conversation with somebody.
But what people tend to do when they disagree, is they feel awkward about it, so they do a load of extra stuff. They perhaps get a little tense, they perhaps turn their shoulder away, they perhaps… Their voice goes a bit funny and they speak, 'Oh I don’t agree with that.' And that in itself sounds quite aggressive. But if you carry on talking in the same way as the other person and they say, you know, 'Oh, I just… I’ve just paused for a moment because I’ve realized I’ve got politics on my brain in this country at the moment, and I just thought I didn’t want to talk too much about politics.'
But if they say something like, for example, 'Oh, I just love that law that they’ve just passed, I think it’s brilliant.' If I use the same voice, I can disagree quite happily. I can say, 'Do you know, I think it’s the worst thing they’ve ever done? Quite honestly, I do.' And because I didn’t fight them in terms of tone of voice and in terms of my body language, disagreement’s absolutely fine as well. So the connection is the absolute number one thing." (Apps, 2021.)
Those are a few of her findings. But there is much more where that came from. Go to the references to find the full podcast, pop it on on your next drive and take a listen. (Honestly, it is helpful to hear her tone of voice in her speech.)
So there you have! Follow the right system for intentional and more powerful dating and you can succeed. So many people just don't know how. They don't know the right steps that lead to greater happiness in a successful marriage and they think dating is hopeless. But there are actually skills and ways to improve and get better at it! Who knew?
Now, reply and move forward with faith.
Hannah Whiting (2/12/22)
Question of the day - Pick a question or two and hit reply in the comment section!
- What's your game-plan? what's a good plan to a successful dating?
- What are things you are going to try as you improve your skills?
- How will you include faith in your dating plan?
References
Apps, Judy (2021, October 01). Podcast #709: The art of conversation - a guided tour of A neglected pleasure. https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/social-skills/improve-your-conversation-skills/.
Chadwick, Bruce, A. (2002). Hanging out, hooking up, and celestial marriage. Brigham Young University 2001-2002 Speeches. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/bruce-a-chadwick/hanging-hooking-celestial-marriage/.
Epp, John, V. (2007). The RAM Plan. In How to avoid marrying a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. essay, McGraw-Hill.
Oaks, Dallin, H. (2005, May 1). Dating versus hanging out. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng.
Stanley, Scott (2015). Sliding vs. Deciding: Cohabitation, Relationship Development, and Commitment. Sliding vs. Deciding: Cohabitation, Relationship Development, and Commitment. The Wheatley Institution. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TpuIWdy6aE.
Other resources:
Holland, Jeffery, R. (2021, April 30). Of souls, symbols, and sacraments. Brigham Young University Speeches. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/souls-symbols-sacraments/
"The future is as bright as your faith." - President Monson
"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7
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