Great families are not rare, but they do not happen by accident
What if, some families don't know how to improve simply because they don't know what a strong family looks like? What if some families wonder if strong families are even possible? What if there were proven skills that we could gain to improve our family relationships? What if families don't just happen, but rather they are created, built, and nurtured? What does it look like to intentional build family bonds? How can I personally improve my current relationships and family situation?
I am excited I get the chance to write this blog about intentional families and the power of a good example.
Sociology professor and therapist William Doherty speaks on the topic of family structure and class in the United States. He starts his speech by talking about how the lower social class in the U.S. are having high levels of non-marital births. He describes that these couples have a lack of preparation for raising children under a closely-bonded and intimate relationship. Doherty then goes on to share examples of his projects. In one of these projects, he said, "I apply community organizing strategies in working with families... one of my projects is called the family formation organization project." (Doherty, 2008.)
In Doherty's project, they mostly focus on urban couples with low income. "These are the so-called fragile families. We're not just studying them to see how they fall off the cliff and what the predictors are. (That's what we often do with social scientists... we know a lot about risk factors.) We're actually working with them. We're having mentor couples from the community work with them. We're assigning relationship coaches. We're working with these couples for a year and sometimes two years. We're learning what it's like on the ground for these couples who... come to our project because they aspire to forming a stable union to raise their child. What we've learned is that many of them have no role models. There are many couples in our projects who don't know a single successful longterm couple. They don't know it. When the times get tough in the relationship, what they're often told is 'walk.' Marriage is something that is an ideal for them, but they simply don't see it in their lives and often don't have the interpersonal skills that it takes to form and sustain a lifelong marriage or other relationship" (Doherty, 2008.)
He ends his speech with a plea. "We need a culture shift and it isn't just about promoting people getting married (getting their certificate). But we need a culture shift for people to learn what it takes to form and sustain unions when raising our children." (Doherty, 2008.)
So, with this knowledge, what can we do? What can we do to intentionally build these strong relationships? How can we seek or show that example of a strong family? How can we build our relationship? When working through hard family trials, how can we persevere?
I have written my thoughts below. But I would love to hear from you. None of us are perfect and there is always something more we can do to improve our family relationships. Right now take time to pause, ponder, and hit reply. We can all benefit by hearing and seeing each other's examples.
A tradition and ritual that has greatly impacted and bonded my family relationships is the new Come Follow Me curriculum created by the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
“The new home-centered, Church-supported integrated curriculum has the potential to unleash the power of families, as each family follows through conscientiously and carefully to transform their home into a sanctuary of faith.” (President Russell M. Nelson, 2018)
Come Follow Me study doesn't just happen randomly at our house. It happens intentionally. And I have seen it strengthen my family. Growing up, our family's schedules were crazy busy. My mom juggled a lot with managing each kid's schedule. My dad was busy at work. Each of the kids were involved many activities. But we wanted to make scripture study a priority. Sometimes we would sit down at the beginning of the week for an hour just to plan our schedules and see where we could fit in the Come Follow Me study for the week. We would strive to take time to do breakfast and scripture study each morning at 8:15am as a family. This became something to look forward to each day. We weren't always perfect. But I have seen this goal joyfully and continually bind us together even closer as a family. Our family scripture motto (ever since my mom and dad were dating) is: "Let no man despise thy youth, but be thou an example of the believers. In word, in conversation, in spirit, in faith, in purity." (1 Timothy 4:12).
Hannah Whiting (1/28/22)
- In what ways am I (or can I be) intentional in my family life?
- What has worked for your family? How do you intentionally strive for deeper relationships?
"Sustainability is not guaranteed, and a thriving society can fail in time if it abandons the cardinal virtues that uphold its peace and prosperity." - (Elder Christofferson, "Sustainable Societies." 2020)
"The family is the basic unit of eternity. The perfection of the family is worth any sacrifice because, as has been taught, 'no other success can compensate for failure in the home.' The home is where our best work is done and where our greatest happiness is attained." - (Elder Jackson, "The Culture of Christ." 2020)
"My young friends, remember that marriage is essential to eternal life and that a good marriage and family life is crafted, not found" (Chadwick, 2002)
Great discussion, Hanna. In our culture, we often hear how important family is and the need to spend time together as a family. But there is definitely a lot more details that need to be discussed if joy through family is to be realized. That's why I like your word "intentional". Good families don't happen by chance. It takes a concerted, focused effort and skills. Skills that once learned are a joy to apply, but that still have to be aquired and are much more easily aquired if someone demonstrates them.
ReplyDeleteA few examples:
1) Family meal time. REALLY hard for many busy families today especially if both parents work. And if you have grown up never experiencing family mealtime, it can be hard to know where to start.How does one set the table? Buffet or pass the dishes? What to eat? How to deal with leftovers? Blessing on the food? What do you talk about as you are eating? How to create the right atmosphere? There are a host of skills that are needed to make family mealtime pleasurable that if one has never seen modeled by their own parents can be hard to figure out on one's own.
2) Reading. This sounds rediculously basic but there are a lot of people growing up today that don't know how to read well. And for me reading has played a big part in the joy of family. My mother read to me growing up and Michelle has read numberous books to our children and me (yes, I listened too). We've read such wholesome classics as the Little House on the Prairie series, the Little Britches series, A Secret Garden, and Cheaper by the Dozen as well as self improvement books like Atomic Habits that we're reading now. A lot of the time, my Mom and Michelle will read out loud during mealtime when they have a captive audience. Reading out loud is a skill. Few people develop it simply because they don't get the opportunity to practice. I love to read, but don't read out loud well because I haven't practiced. But Michelle started reading to our kids when they were just little and by the time they were teenagers, she was really good and they had come to enjoy listening. Untold "sermons" have been preached indirectly though reading uplifting wholesome material. It has also made scripture study more enjoyable. You mentioned the Come Follow Me scripture study program as a tool that has strengthened your family. If one hasn't learned to enjoy reading, how likely is it that they are going to enjoy reading the scriptures?
3) Extra curricular activities. Young parents are anxious to have their children excel and most probably have fond memories of sports, music, or dance that they participated in growing up. So from a young age, children are signed up for little league sports, dance classes, music lessons, and pre school. But today every activity wants it to be your passion and your life. And even if it isn't, at one practice in the evening on weekdays and games or performances on Saturday, it might as well be one's life. And if it involves only one child, the family bows to the obligations and expectations for that one child. But organized activities like this are such a part of our culture today that breaking away from them leaves parents worrying they are going to be failures. Creating alternative family activities has to be very intentional beginning with choosing to have enough children at a spacing that they can do things together. And then it helps if the parents have skill and aptitude in sports, music, or dance so that they can orchestrate these activities as a family.
I could go on, but this is probably enough for today. I suspect these are all things you already know and will cover in your class. But they are of great interest to me and I appreciate your inviting me to comment.
Thank you so much for taking time to comment and share your thoughts. I am honored to hear about your experience and what has worked for your family. This is great advice that I hope to keep in mind throughout my life. Thanks for sharing and uplifting us with your thoughts.
DeleteThis is great Hannah. I am proud of you for following your dreams. Intentional parenting is where it is at. Like I have always said - "What you focus on thrives." Intentionally focusing on things in the home gives you the best chance for a unified home. One thing I feel like Dad and I have also been intentional about is open communication in our home. There is nothing you couldn't talk to us about. We have tried to foster a safe environment where everyone can share. Something that I feel has helped build relationships in our home is when we put down our phones and just talk and be together. I love you. Keep writing. It's awesome.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts! This is great to hear everyone's ideas and what has helped to improve their family situation. :) I love your thoughts about "What you focus on thrives."
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